Sunday was my girlfriend's birthday. She turned 32 and her parents hosted a barbecue in her honor in their backyard. It was a really lovely time and I really enjoy spending time with them.
I had run into her Dad the previous day at the farmer's market in the neighborhood, and he had introduced me to one of his pals. Apparently, he had reflected on the interaction and felt like he may have mistakenly mis-identified me to his friend. This prompted him to not only ask me what my preferred title in our relationship is (honestly, I hadn't really considered it), but also to apologize.
Yeah, this guy, a former conservative republican, apologized and asked me my preferred title because he knew I identified as non-binary despite each time seeing me, I presented as undeniably femme.
I can't express how thankful I am for this moment. It may have just been a little insignificant thing he thought about in passing, but to me it communicated several things.
1. I respect your identity
2. You're safe
3. I will do the work to ensure you know both of those things are true.
In today's political climate, places where I feel safe in my identity are few and far between. I am afraid. I am afraid of what is happening to trans people, what it means for me, and especially what it means for my family.
With the support of my therapist, and my patient partners who have no choice but to listen to me talk endlessly as I process my emotions aloud, I have really come to the conclusion that it's time to really establish some firm boundaries for me and my family.
First, I have decided that I am no longer going to tolerate anyone in my life who fails to acknowledge my name change. I unofficially changed my name over a year ago, but legally my name has been changed since May. This is not a phase, and honestly, none of the behaviors anyone ever considered to be a phase were.
Now, I get it. It's challenging to change your language. I know, I misgender my friends all the time because my brain has been hardwired into the binary, and I don't spend very much time with people who prefer they/them so I don't practice nearly enough. I am trying, and I am improving, and strangely, I am way better when talking about people in their absence than to them. But, fuck, I try.
Anyways, I am not asking for perfection. I am asking for effort. I am asking for the people in my life to acknowledge that my name has been a thing I have struggled with for my entire life, and to communicate with me that they respect me and that I am safe. If they dead-name me, all I want is for them to correct themselves, or if I (or someone else) correct them, I want them to acknowledge it and maybe say a quick, "oops, sorry."
YES, EVEN WHEN I AM NOT THERE.
I don't think I am making an unreasonable request. If someone can't take the extra time to make the effort, then they are telling me the exact opposite that my girlfriend's dad told me.
Instead they're telling me:
1. You're not respected
2. You're not safe
3. I don't care about either of those things
Even if they're clueless, and haven't taken the time to read the blog I wrote about my name and how important it is to me, and they "just don't understand," they can choose to respect me.
If they're choosing not to, then they're choosing not to have a place in my life.
Next, and equally, if not more important, is the use of drugs and alcohol in a way that resembles addiction - this means it fits the following criteria for me:
1. The use is habitual, and non-medicinal, and the user is unable to stop
OR
2. The user lies about their use of the substance
OR
3. The user otherwise lies, steals, manipulates, gaslights me or my family, especially in relation to their use
AND
the user is unwilling to have a conversation with me about how these behaviors effect me, my family, and themselves, and/or how to make positive changes to our damaged relationship.
This boundary is really crucial for me.
Being a survivor of abuse, I have a number of triggers, which can send me into a whirlwind of my own behaviors. I have been tirelessly working to get through my trauma and heal, so that I may break the cycle and provide the best, most healthy, stable life possible for my children. Unfortunately, this means that we have lost our relationship with some people along the way due to their continued abuse, attempted manipulation, gaslighting, and lies.
The main person is my father. I officially 100% cut him out of my life last March, the day after my birthday, a really difficult, freeing decision. It has taken me near 29 years to separate his abuse from his mental illness and addiction (also mental illness), but ultimately, we can use mental illness to explain behavior, not to excuse it, and to say he abused me because he is an addict is a cop-out. Not all addicts are abusive, not all mentally ill people are abusive, but he was.
That being said, this boundary probably seems harsh. However, it's really more about that last piece. If someone is struggling with addiction and they want to still have a relationship with me, I need them to communicate with me. I need to know they're not lying, and that they can own their actions rather than get defensive and flip the script to somehow make me feel like the bad guy for having boundaries.
I can't trust someone who lies about using drugs or alcohol to be alone with my children - ever.
I can't trust someone who lies about using drugs or alcohol to drive my children places - ever.
I can't trust someone who lies about using drugs or alcohol to be honest. Period.
Maybe that's a trauma response, but at this point in my own recovery, that's the boundary I need.
Anyone who knows me can attest to my infinite patience and willingness to work things out, and to talk through the most difficult and painful emotions. I don't ask for perfection, just effort.
This is my last call for anyone in my life engaging in the above mentioned behaviors. Please, if I matter to you, show me by calling me by my name, and by being honest about your addiction and owning the work you need to do to get through it.
